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Top 50 Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris Jokes


Superman wears Chuck Norris underpants.



If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.



Chuck Norris was once put on the wrapper for a toilet paper company. The company
field tested it but it didn’t work because Chuck Norris doesn’t take crap from nobody.



When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat he dosn’t get wet the water gets Chuck Norrised



When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn’t push himself up, he pushes the world
down



The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to
recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn’t even
come close.



Chuck Norris doesn’t read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information
he wants out of them.



Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer; too bad he has never cried.



If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f*ck down



When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.



Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its
chain and the back tire.



Chuck Norris is suing NBC for their show Law & Order claiming it is the trademarked
names of his left and right legs.



There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.



The Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris every night.



Chuck Norris turns on a night light when he goes to bed. It’s not because he’s scared
of the dark – it’s Because the dark is scared of him.



Chuck Norris was originally considered for the part of Jesus in the Passion of the
Christ. However, the director realized that Chuck Norris cannot show the emotion
of pain. He can only inflict it.



When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, it breaks because it is smart enough to know
not to get in the middle of Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris



Darth Vader dresses up as Chuck Norris for Halloween.



A blind man bumped into Chuck Norris. The simple act of touching him cured the man’s
blindness. Unfortunately, the first and last thing the man saw was a fatal roundhouse
kick to the face by Chuck Norris.



If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more
than you.



When girls have sex with god, they scream CHUCK NORRIS!!



Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure.
Chuck Norris goes killing.



Some kids piss their names in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name in concrete.



Chuck Norris has clicked the unclickable button… twice



A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people.
It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that
you will be handicapped if you park there.



Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard.”
Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious
gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible.
Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.



Aliens do exist. They’re just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.



If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you
may be only seconds away from death.



Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination.
As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them.
JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.



There is no Life or Death, only Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicking you in the face.



Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.



Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.



There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.



Chuck Norris’ beard is barbed wire soaked in ox blood and held together by the souls
of mortals.



Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep, he waits.



Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs
to lie the f*ck down.



There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.



Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.



The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there.
In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.



Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know
this beverage as Red Bull.



The original name of the movie was Alien vs Predator vs Chuck Norris, but the producers
realized that nobody would ever watch a movie that only lasted fourteen seconds.



Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia,
is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human
being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness
of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.



Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.



Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.



After taking a steroids test, doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive.
He laughed upon receiving this information, and said “of course my urine tested
positive, what do you think they make steroids from?”



Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war,
all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.



Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.



Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.



What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full
name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division.”



There is no ‘Ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’ computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.



Who would win the race between Ironman and Superman to the moon?Chuck Norris



Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate
a f*cuking Indian.

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